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　　SCENE.—A Room in the Inn. (Two Waiters disputing.)

　　FIRST WAITER

　　Sir Harbottle Hammond, you may depend upon it.

　　SECOND WAITER

　　Sir Hardy Hardcastle, I tell you.

　　FIRST WAITER

　　The Hammonds of Huntingdonshire.

　　SECOND WAITER

　　The Hardcastles of Hertfordshire.

　　FIRST WAITER

　　The Hammonds.

　　SECOND WAITER

　　Don't tell me: does not Hardcastle begin with an H?

　　FIRST WAITER

　　So does Hammond for that matter.

　　SECOND WAITER Faith, so it does if you go to spell it. I did not think of that. I begin to be of your opinion; he is certainly a Hammond.

　　FIRST WAITER

　　Here comes Susan Chambermaid, may be she can tell.

　　Enter Susan.

　　BOTH

　　Well, Susan, have you heard any thing who the strange gentleman is?

　　SUSAN Haven't you heard? it's all come out; Mrs. Guesswell, the parson's widow, has been here about it. I overheard her talking in confidence to Mrs. Setter and Mrs. Pointer, and she says, they were holding a sort of cummitty about it.

　　BOTH

　　What? What?

　　SUSAN There can't be a doubt of it, she says, what from hisfigger and the appearance he cuts, and his sumpshous way of living, and above all from the remarkable circumstance that his surname should begin with an H., that he must be—

　　BOTH

　　Well, well—

　　SUSAN

　　Neither more nor less than the Prince.

　　BOTH

　　Prince!

　　SUSAN

　　The Prince of Hessy-Cassel in disguise.

　　BOTH

　　Very likely, very likely.

　　SUSAN

　　Oh, there can't be a doubt on it. Mrs. Guesswell says she knows it.

　　FIRST WAITER Now if we could be sure that the Prince of Hessy what-do-you-call-him was in England on his travels.

　　SECOND WAITER

　　Get a newspaper. Look in the newspapers.

　　SUSAN

　　Fiddle of the newspapers, who else can it be?

　　BOTH

　　That is very true (gravely).

　　Enter Landlord.

　　LANDLORD Here, Susan, James, Philip, where are you all? The London coach is come in, and there is Mr. Fillaside, the fat passenger, has been bawling for somebody to help him off with his boots. (The Chambermaid and Waiters slip out.)

　　(Solus.) The house is turned upside down since the strange gentleman came into it. Nothing but guessing and speculating, and speculating and guessing; waiters and chambermaids getting into corners and speculating, ostlers and stable-boys speculating in the yard, I believe the very horses in the stable are speculating too, for there they stand in a musing posture, nothing for them to eat, and not seeming to care whether thay have any thing or no; and after all what does it signify? I hate such curious—odso, I must take this box up into his bed-room—he charged me to see to it myself—I hate such inquisitive—I wonder what is in it, it feels heavy (Reads) "Leases, title deeds, wills." Here now a man might satisfy his curiosity at once. Deeds must have names to them, so must leases and wills. But I wouldn't—no I wouldn't—it is a pretty box too—prettily dovetailed—I admire the fashion of it much. But I'd cut my fingers off, before I'd do such a dirty—what have I to do—curse the keys, how they rattle—rattle in one's pockets—the keys and the halfpence (takes out a bunch and plays with them). I wounder if any of these would fit; one might just try them, but I wouldn't lift up the lid if they did. Oh no, what should I be the richer for knowing? (All this time he tries the keys one by one.) What's his name to me? a thousand names begin with an H. I hate people that are always prying, poking and prying into things,—thrusting their finger into one place—a mighty little hole this—and their keys into another. Oh Lord! little rusty fits it! but what is that to me? I wouldn't go to—no no—but it is odd little rusty should just happen. (While he is turning up the lid of the box, MR. H. enters behing him unperceived.)

　　MR. H.

　　What are you about, you dog?

　　LANDLORD Oh Lord, Sir! pardon; no thief as I hope to be saved. Little Pry was always honest.

　　MR. H.

　　What else could move you to open that box!

　　LANDLORD Sir, don't kill me, and I will confess the whole truth. This box happened to be lying—that is, I happened to be carrying this box, and I happened to have my keys out, and so—little rusty happened to fit—

　　MR. H. So little rusty happened to fit!—and would not a rope fit that rogue's neck? I see the papers have not been moved: all is safe, but it was as well to frighten him a little (aside).

　　Come, Landlord, as I think you honest, and suspect you only intended to gratify a little foolish curiosity—

　　LANDLORD

　　That was all, Sir, upon my veracity.

　　MR. H.

　　For this time I will pass it over. Your name is Pry, I think.

　　LANDLORD

　　Yes, Sir, Jeremiah Pry, at your service.

　　MR. H. An apt name, you have a prying temper. I mean, some little curiosity, a sort of inquisitiveness about you.

　　LANDLORD A natural thirst after knowledge you may call it, Sir. When a boy I was never easy, but when I was thrusting up the lids of some of my school-fellows' boxes,—not to steal any thing, upon my honour, Sir,—only to see what was in them; have had pens stuck in my eyes for peeping through key-holes after knowledge; could never see a cold pie with the legs dangling out at top, but my fingers were for lifting up the crust,—just to try if it were pigeon or partridge,—for no other reason in the world. Surely I think my passion for nuts was owing to the pleasure of cracking the shell to get at something concealed, more than to any delight I took in eating the kernel. In short, Sir, this appetite has grown with my growth.

　　MR. H. You will certainly be hanged some day for peeping into some bureau or other, just to see what is in it.

　　LANDLORD That is my fear, Sir. The thumps and kicks I have had for peering into parcels, and turning of letters inside out,—just for curiosity. The blankets I have been made to dance in for searching parish-registers for old ladies' ages,—just for curiosity! Once I was dragged through a horse-pond, only for peeping into a closet that had glass doors to it, while my Lady Bluegarters was undressing,—just for curiosity!

　　MR. H. A very harmless piece of curiosity, truly; and now, Mr. Pry, first have the goodness to leave that box with me, and then do me the favour to carry your curiosity so far, as to enquire if my servants are within.

　　LANDLORD I shall, Sir. Here, David, Jonathan,—I think I hear them coming,—shall make bold to leave you, Sir.

　　[Exit.]

　　MR. H.

　　Another tolerable specimen of the comforts of going anonymous!

　　Enter two Footmen.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　You speak first.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　No, you had better speak.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　You promised to begin.

　　MR. H. They have something to say to me. The rascals want their wages raised, I suppose; there is always a favour to be asked when they come smiling. Well, poor rogues, service is but a hard bargain at the best. I think I must not be close with them. Well, David—well, Jonathan.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　We have served your honour faithfully——

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Hope your honour won't take offence——

　　MR. H.

　　The old story, I suppose—wages?

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　That's not it, your honour.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　You speak.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　But if your honour would just be pleased to——

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Only be pleased to——

　　MR. H.

　　Be quick with what you have to say, for I am in haste.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　Just to——

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Let us know who it is——

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　Who it is we have the honour to serve.

　　MR. H.

　　Why me, me, me; you serve me.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Yes, Sir; but we do not know who you are.

　　MR. H. Childish curiosity! do not you serve a rich master, a gay master, an indulgent master?

　　FIRST FOOTMAN Ah, Sir! the figure you make is to us, your poor servants, the principal mortification.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN When we get over a pot at the public-house, or in a gentleman's kitchen, or elsewhere, as poor servants must have their pleasures—when the question goes round, who is your master? and who do you serve? and one says, I serve Lord So-and-so, and another, I am Squire Such-a-one's footman——

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　We have nothing to say for it, but that we serve Mr. H.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Or Squire H.

　　MR. H. Really you are a couple of pretty modest, reasonable personages; but I hope you will take it as no offence, gentlemen, if, upon a dispassionate review of all that you have said, I think fit not to tell you any more of my name, than I have chosen for especial purposes to communicate to the rest of the world.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　Why then, Sir, you may suit yourself.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　We tell you plainly, we cannot stay.

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　We don't chuse to serve Mr. H.

　　SECOND FOOTMAN

　　Nor any Mr. or Squire in the alphabet——

　　FIRST FOOTMAN

　　That lives in Chris-cross Row.

　　MR. H. Go, for a couple of ungrateful, inquisitive, senseless rascals! Go hang, starve, or drown!—Rogues, to speak thus irreverently of the alphabet—I shall live to see you glad to serve old Q—to curl the wig of great S—adjust the dot of little i—stand behind the chair of X, Y, Z—wear the livery of Et-caetera—and ride behind the sulky of And-by-itself-and!

　　[Exit in a rage.]

　　ACT II SCENE.—A handsome Apartment well lighted, Tea, Cards, &c.—A large party of Ladies and Gentlemen, among them MELESINDA.

　　FIRST LADY

　　I wonder when the charming man will be here.

　　SECOND LADY

　　He is a delightful creature! Such a polish——

　　THIRD LADY

　　Such an air in all that he does or says——

　　FOURTH LADY

　　Yet gifted with a strong understanding——

　　FIFTH LADY

　　But has your ladyship the remotest idea of what his true name is?

　　FIRST LADY They say, his very servants do not know it. His French valet, that has lived with him these two years——

　　SECOND LADY

　　There, Madam, I must beg leave to set you right: my coachman——

　　FIRST LADY

　　I have it from the very best authority: my footman——

　　SECOND LADY

　　Then, Madam, you have set your servants on——

　　FIRST LADY No, Madam, I would scorn any such little mean ways of conning at a secret. For my part, I don't think any secret of that consequence.

　　SECOND LADY That's just like me; I make a rule of troubling my head with nobody's business but my own.

　　MELESINDA But then, she takes care to make everybody's business her own, and so to justify herself that way——(aside).

　　FIRST LADY

　　My dear Melesinda, you look thoughtful.

　　MELESINDA

　　Nothing. SECOND LADY

　　Give it a name.

　　MELESINDA

　　Perhaps it is nameless.

　　FIRST LADY As the object——Come, never blush, nor deny it, child. Bless me, what great ugly thing is that, that dangles at your bosom?

　　MELESINDA

　　This? it is a cross: how do you like it?

　　SECOND LADY

　　A cross! Well, to me it looks for all the world like a great staring H.

　　(Here a general laugh.)

　　MELESINDA

　　Malicious creatures! Believe me it is a cross, and nothing but a cross.

　　FIRST LADY

　　A cross, I believe, you would willingly hang at.

　　MELESINDA

　　Intolerable spite!

　　(MR. H. is announced.)

　　(Enter MR. H.)

　　FIRST LADY

　　O, Mr. H. we are so glad——

　　SECOND LADY

　　We have been so dull——

　　THIRD LADY So perfectly lifeless——You owe it to us, to be more than commonly entertaining.

　　MR. H.

　　Ladies, this is so obliging——

　　FOURTH LADY O, Mr. H. those ranunculas you said were dying, pretty things, they have got up——

　　FIFTH LADY

　　I have worked that sprig you commended—I want you to come——

　　MR. H.

　　Ladies——

　　SIXTH LADY

　　I have sent for that piece of music from London.

　　MR. H.

　　The Mozart—(seeing Melesinda.)—Melesinda!

　　SEVERAL LADIES AT ONCE

　　Nay positively, Melesinda, you shan't engross him all to yourself.

　　(While the Ladies are pressing about MR. H. the Gentlemen shew signs of displeasure.)

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　We shan't be able to edge in a word, now this coxcomb is come.

　　SECOND GENTLEMAN

　　Damn him, I will affront him.

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　Sir, with your leave, I have a word to say to one of these ladies.

　　SECOND GENTLEMAN

　　If we could be heard——

　　(The ladies pay no attention but to MR. H.)

　　MR. H. You see, gentlemen, how the matter stands. (Hums an air.) I am not my own master: positively I exist and breathe but to be agreeable to these——Did you speak?

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　And affects absence of mind, Puppy!

　　MR. H. Who spoke of absence of mind, did you, Madam? How do you do, Lady Wearwell—how do? I did not see your ladyship before—what was I about to say—O—absence of mind. I am the most unhappy dog in that way, sometimes spurt out the strangest things—the most mal-a-propos—without meaning to give the least offence, upon my honour—sheer absence of mind—things I would have given the world not to have said.

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　Do you hear the coxcomb?

　　FIRST LADY

　　Great wits, they say——

　　SECOND LADY

　　Your fine geniuses are most given——

　　THIRD LADY

　　Men of bright parts are commonly too vivacious——

　　MR. H. But you shall hear. I was to dine the other day at a great nabob's, that must be nameless, who, between ourselves, is strongly suspected of—being very rich, that's all. John, my valet, who knows my foible, cautioned me, while he was dressing me, as he usually does where he thinks there's a danger of my committing a lapsus, to take care in my conversation how I made any allusion direct or indirect to presents —you understand me? I set out double charged with my fellow's consideration and my own, and, to do myself justice, behaved with tolerable circumspection for the first half hour or so—till at last a gentleman in company, who was indulging a free vein of raillery at the expense of the ladies, stumbled upon that expression of the poet, which calls them "fair defects."

　　FIRST LADY

　　It is Pope, I believe, who says it.

　　MR. H. No, Madam; Milton. Where was I? O, "fair defects." This gave occasion to a critic in company, to deliver his opinion on the phrase—that led to an enumeration of all the various words which might have been used instead of "defect," as want, absence, poverty, deficiency, lack. This moment I, who had not been attending to the progress of the argument (as the denouement will shew) starting suddenly up out of one of my reveries, by some unfortunate connexion of ideas, which the last fatal word had excited, the devil put it into my head to turn round to the Nabob, who was sitting next me, and in a very marked manner (as it seemed to the company) to put the question to him, Pray, Sir, what may be the exact value of a lack of rupees? You may guess the confusion which followed.

　　FIRST LADY

　　What a distressing circumstance!

　　SECOND LADY

　　To a delicate mind—

　　THIRD LADY

　　How embarrassing—

　　FOURTH LADY

　　I declare I quite pity you.

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　Puppy!

　　MR. H. A Baronet at the table, seeing my dilemma, jogged my elbow; and a good-natured Duchess, who does every thing with a grace peculiar to herself, trod on my toes at that instant: this brought me to myself, and—covered with blushes, and pitied by all the ladies—I withdrew.

　　FIRST LADY

　　How charmingly he tells a story.

　　SECOND LADY

　　But how distressing!

　　MR. H. Lord Squandercounsel, who is my particular friend, was pleased to rally me in his inimitable way upon it next day. I shall never forget a sensible thing he said on the occasion—speaking of absence of mind, my foible—says he, my dear Hogs—

　　SEVERAL LADIES

　　Hogs——what—ha—

　　MR. H. My dear Hogsflesh—my name—(here an universal scream)—O my cursed unfortunate tongue!—H, I mean—Where was I?

　　FIRST LADY

　　Filthy—abominable!

　　SECOND LADY

　　Unutterable!

　　THIRD LADY

　　Hogs——foh!

　　FOURTH LADY

　　Disgusting!

　　FIFTH LADY

　　Vile!

　　SIXTH LADY

　　Shocking!

　　FIRST LADY

　　Odious!

　　SECOND LADY

　　Hogs——pah!

　　THIRD LADY

　　A smelling bottle—look to Miss Melesinda. Poor thing! it is no wonder.

　　You had better keep off from her, Mr. Hogsflesh, and not be pressing

　　about her in her circumstances.

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　Good time of day to you, Mr. Hogsflesh.

　　SECOND GENTLEMAN

　　The compliments of the season to you, Mr. Hogsflesh.

　　MR. H.

　　This is too much—flesh and blood cannot endure it.

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　What flesh?—hog's-flesh?

　　SECOND GENTLEMAN

　　How he sets up his bristles!

　　MR. H.

　　Bristles!

　　FIRST GENTLEMAN

　　He looks as fierce as a hog in armour.

　　MR. H. A hog!——Madam!——(here he severally accosts the ladies, who by turns repel him).

　　FIRST LADY

　　Extremely obliged to you for your attentions; but don't want a partner.

　　SECOND LADY

　　Greatly flattered by your preference; but believe I shall remain single.

　　THIRD LADY Shall always acknowledge your politeness; but have no thoughts of altering my condition.

　　FOURTH LADY Always be happy to respect you as a friend; but you must not look for any thing further.

　　FIFTH LADY No doubt of your ability to make any woman happy; but have no thoughts of changing my name.

　　SIXTH LADY Must tell you, Sir, that if by your insinuations, you think to prevail with me, you have got the wrong sow by the ear. Does he think any lady would go to pig with him?

　　OLD LADY Must beg you to be less particular in your addresses to me. Does he take me for a Jew, to long after forbidden meats?

　　MR. H. I shall go mad!—to be refused by old Mother Damnable—she that's so old, nobody knows whether she was ever married or no, but passes for a maid by courtesy; her juvenile exploits being beyond the farthest stretch of tradition!—old Mother Damnable!

　　[Exeunt all, either pitying or seeming to avoid him.] The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb — Volume 4